Pandemic-y
1+ months before announcement of Pandemic
February 4, 2020
uh i got it. i’m sick. i’ve ignored it with drugs for 2 weeks and kept working. and now here I am, curled up on the couch, hackin up a lung, watching the Godfather, like ya do… little light viewing, taking a break from the shit show that is our country. What should I watch next? Looking for epicly well done flicks.
omg you guys this shit is so painful i can’t even watch stuff. i need a two day coma
February 6, 2020
You guys, I’m alive I’M ALIVE. I feel amazing. I mean I feel like shit but compared to what I felt like, I could climb a mountain right now. With drugs on board and a box of kleenex and cough drops and some dark shades with a blanket and a couch. But I could do it. Straight up that mountain. Whatever that was, it sucked so hard. Every cell was pissed off and pitching a fit. Had to go on antibiotics, I was headed towards pneumonia. Wash your hands. Steer a wide path if someone’s sniffling. Don’t be afraid to wear a mask. This is a 3 week battle so far and it’s not even done.
As a species… i believe our end will come from microscopic invaders.
So it begins
March 15, 2020
I’m wide awake. Turns out, with no structure and 100% free time, I’m like a kid whose parent are out of town leaving me home alone for the first time. Having the best time ever. I think I’ll eat a cookie
March 17, 2020
DAY 7 of Isolation:
I have never wanted veggies and fruit more in my life. I’ve depleted my meger stores. I have a nice selection of food but it all seems so heavy with this low activity. Even working out isn’t sparking hunger. Might have to venture out for carrots and broccoli
March 18, 2020
I ventured out! I hit Whole Paycheck at 8.45am. They open the doors at 8am for 60+ seniors until 9am. There were about 10 of us in line and the line slowly grew but not outrageously so. Probably around 35–40 people. At 9am they let the first 20 of us in and would let 5 more in every 5 minutes. So being in the first group was a boon. I wore a mask and gloves and there was only one other person with a mask.
The shelves were a mix of empty and full. The fruits were well stocked but the veggies, while plenty, there were holes in the shelves and what was there wouldn’t last long. No red peppers. My craving is to go unfulfilled for now. No eggs. Very few snacks (chips, popcorn) The meat/fish section is hit and miss. No pork. some lamb. some cow. The fish was fuller but still not normally so. I think I got the last frozen package of Tilapia last week cuz there was no more. I didn’t go through the whole place but it’s hit and miss.
I thanked every worker I saw. I’m truly baffled why no worker is wearing masks and gloves. If even to just prevent them from touching their faces. I know there’s mixed info out there about masks but they work if worn correctly. Not the surgical masks that go over your ears but N95 or Duck masks can help. I really feel that the claim that they don’t work is so the public won’t hoard them. We’ve proven to be complete asshole hoarders so I get it but I won’t be going inside a place without a mask and gloves.
I took a drive around town after dropping off groceries. I went to the ocean through the park. There were a pretty significant amount of joggers. Lots of old folks taking walks. I might go on a bike ride tomorrow and Saturday. Getting out was medicine. Being indoors for 8 days was starting to feel claustrophobic.
I didn’t stop at the 25th and Clement produce store but I drove by and I might it it tomorrow. The front looked fully stocked with fruit and veggies. Hitting these ma and pop stores is where I’ll try to go from now on.
I heard the latest report that this might carry into July and August. It has me contemplating if theatre can even exist anymore and even if the answer is yes, will it be sustainable for small houses like mine. My rent is high. I need a full house of renters who in turn needs a full house of audience to make this all work. It’s a slim margin we walk over here. Time will tell. I can’t decide if time has slowed down or is it still clipping along. Have we been in March for months or was it just March 1st? Time is bending and warping into an unrecognizable form.
I’m still tripping on all this free time. I remember when I was in college for Laboratory Medicine. It was a full day of classes, worked as a lab tech after school and then study at night for the next day. It was always this cram.. hurry hurry memorize comprehend. and I used to lament, this would be so much more fun if I didn’t have to speed through these awesome topics. Now, I’m sitting here devouring papers and concepts at my leisure. This is how life should be. We’ve lost total sight of what could be on this planet.
Stay safe. Everything is temporary. Every. Damn. Thing.
March 19. 2020
As I sit here being serenaded live by the Indigo Girls, the soundtrack to my baby dyke years, I’ll regale you with the tale of my short but super sweet bike ride around SF today.
If you can take a bike ride, DO IT!
The streets are 1/4 full. But the world feels empty and even lawless. It’s so beautiful out there, the city this way, I hate that I love this so much. I don’t miss the dog eat dog hustle and bustle of ‘normal’ life. And yet with all this room, the Lyft and Uber drivers are being horribly lawless. I had to really pay attention as they’re blowing stop signs and making turns without signaling, pulling over and just acting like there’s no one else on the road. It’s way worse than before. So if you go out there, keep that in mind.
And so many stores are open with people just going about their business. The quantity of homeless people is far more apparent and I saw a couple of people walking around who looked so horrifyingly sick.. I don’t know how to help anyone.
The small ma and pop fruit and veggie stands are full of produce. I even found red bell peppers at Food Hall. They were a half a block away the whole time. Sneaky buggers.
The line for Rainbow was all the way onto Folsom st around the corner while there were no lines anywhere else. Traders Joes, Costco, Safeway all without lines. Cancun is open as is Pancho Villa. I couldn’t muster up the courage to go in anywhere but I might have to get a burrito next burrito craving.
I swung by Ritual and they have a table set up in the doorway so you can swing by for coffee without having to go inside. Clever idea. Peets was open for biz too but you have to go inside.
I got to deliver a package to a friend which sparked this tour and the feeling of helping someone is really medicine to my soul. I almost wish I could start a ‘who needs what’ delivery biz but I’m kind of afraid to go in anywhere. There’s a part of me that wishes I would get this thing, heal from it and have immunity if it gives immunity. We don’t know yet. This anticipation and tip toe is really hard sometimes.
Saturday I’m planning on a trek over to the golden gate bridge to see what the tourists are up to. I’m curious if they’re paying attention. And I can not wait to see the bridge empty-ish.
We really do live in a remarkably beautiful city.
March 20, 2020
I took a bike ride today. Fresh air never smelled so fresh. But alas, Golden Gate Park is packed. I mean, holy crap, are you kidding. Throngs of bikes, joggers, families, picnics, basketball games, soccer, the exercise equipment was full of people. People everywhere. I wasn’t wearing a mask but I think when I go on another ride I’ll have to include it.
First I went to the ocean. When I got there I cried. Bawling. It was so beautiful, the planet so fucking goddamn amazing, I cried for all the beautiful things then i cried for all the shit and pain and orange cockroaches in the world and then I got a grip and kept riding. I dropped some things off at a friends and headed to the golden gate bridge and then through the presido. I love this ride. It’s about 15 miles with steep hills and the smells are phenomenal. But I noticed when I left the ocean, I didn’t feel the same open free feeling. I felt enclosed and far from life. Being by the ocean was the feeling I was seeking. I’ve gotta go back tomorrow. Watching surfers is freakin entertaining. If I could handle the cold I’d be right there with them.
I’m remembering that my health does not like down time. My body needs to move or I start feeling old health problems creeping in. 3 days before I quarantined myself I got a used CL standing desk treadmill. My day has looked like this in one form or another: wake up when eyes open (yawn) stretch for 15 minutes. Zumba or weights/kickboxing, retire on couch for like 8 hours and do everything I’ve ever wanted to do, walk 3 miles on treadmill, stretch and crash. Somewhere in there I eat. But this couch thing is pissing my body off. So today, couch for 2 hours at most from now on.
I talked to my landlords, my lovely, wonderful landlords who agreed to lower my rent to almost nothing and we’ll revisit it each month. They want me to be here and I can’t thank them enough for their kindness and generosity. I need to start thinking about other work though as bills still keep coming in and savings is getting chipped away. I’m watching for financial help for small businesses but so far I don’t qualify for anything. The Resiliency Fund requires that I have employees and I have none. I haven’t found help for sole proprietors. if anyone knows of anything, please let me know. I’ve been put on the email list to apply for the FB Grant thing but haven’t heard anything yet.
I’m lucky af. I know it.
Next Phase
March 25, 2020
I suddenly find that I’m losing my mind. I suddenly find that I’m losing my mind. I suddenly find I’m losing my mind. I pace the room. What do I need? What do I need? I open all the theatre doors inside and walk a brisk path through the whole building, up the back stairs over the top down the front stairs, over and over until my knees start objecting vociferously. The mailman comes, he has my reading glasses. I open the door. Thank him profusely and take the package. I run upstairs and start wiping it down with bleach. They’re stronger reading glasses as all this computer time is pissing my eyes off. I hope this helps. I’m hungry. I have everything to eat and want nothing. I fight with the desire to go get a burrito. It’s open. It’s right there. I can throw a stone and hit the place. I’m fighting with the sensation that it’s wrong. I can’t risk it. Am I nuts? Eat out? Trust the masses? But black beans, rolled in veggie goodness… the back and forth has me pacing again. I suddenly find that I’m losing my mind. I suddenly find that I’m losing my mind. I suddenly find that I’m losing my mind. I keep repeating this mantra in my head. Stop stop stop that’s not helping. What do I need? What do I need? Meditate. Pull it together. I sit. I try. I don’t try. I sit. I fidget. My body won’t cooperate. Food. I’m hungry. Dammit not that again. I pace. I could eat this.. no. not that. What about this.. ahh that’s not doing it either. I’m pacing pacing pacing. Drink water. Someone texted me. I don’t want to look. I want to look. ahhhh… pacing pacing. I have to get out of here. I’ll go for a bike ride. I get dressed. I hate the feeling of heavy denim on my body. Where’s my belt. Don’t forget money. Put on mask. Put on helmet. Put on gloves. Put on jacket. Head out the door. Hop on bike. Hop off bike, forgot the camera that will protect me when the next guy cuts me off. Gotta have proof, everyone’s a liar. Head out the door, hop on bike. Where to go? Just start riding. Up Valencia. Lots of plywood. Feels like a hurricane is coming through. No one wearing a mask. No one wearing a mask. No one wearing a mask. I head toward Dolores park. Line outside of…. why can’t I think of the name… Bi Rite.. line of people no one wearing a mask. In that tiny tinderbox of a store and no one wearing a mask. Breathe settling on the produce.. I head to Dolores park. People out but not in droves. Social distancing going on. The kids park is closed. So much for my kids playing fix. I’ll watch the dogs. They’re having a blast. Where to go next. I wonder if that store by Safeway, the one that is so poorly placed and relatively unknown except for the neighbors, has stock. Maybe there’s something in there that will satisfy me. I try to lock my bike but the rack is covered in Jump bikes. I move things around trying to lock it, i work for 5 minutes with this seemingly clever newfangled extra secure lock that does not want to bend in the direction I need it to go. About to give it up, it cooperates. Was that too much to ask? I wander the aisles. Well stocked but I’m so …. nuts in my head I can’t focus on anything. Plan for anything. Make a decision about anything. I pick a thing up, put it back. Wander around aimlessly and leave buying nothing. I get back on the bike and think.. the ocean, that felt good. But I can’t do it. I can’t make me make the trek right now. It feels miles and miles away. I suddenly feel like I’m losing my mind. I suddenly feel like I’m losing my mind, I suddenly feel like I’m losing my mind. I start peddling. I don’t know where I’m going I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to eat. I need to breath I need I need… I need nothing. I have every thing. Then way am I losing my mind? Why am I losing my mind? Why am I losing my mind!
